My last blog was April 28th but because I am a mother and have a 9 month young baby, getting to blog once a week is hardly ever going to happen. A lot has happened since then, my baby girl keeps growing up, getting stronger and stronger everyday, is beginning to crawl, wants to stand a lot, is very vocal and has been putting her head on my shoulders a lot more which make me feel so damn good inside. She amazes me everyday, she has changed my life and my world and I only hope that one day I can get all of this fitness and nuttition together so that I can be the best role model for her.
From April 28- May 8th I did spectacular and eventually reached a new low of 144.4 my goal weight is anywhere inbetween 130-135. I am not really sure where I want to be because my body has changed so much since I gave birth especially in the middle of my body. May 9th I had a cheat/re-feed day and was almost 1000 calories over my limit. Got back on track Saturday and then Sunday was Mother's Day. Although Sunday I didn't eat terrible I was over my calories/macros. So Monday rolls around and I do great all morning, get my workout in, have a shake when I get home, take a nap with the baby and then head over to my moms. I ended up snacking on some pretzels, dip and peanuts and that is when I felt ED come back. I felt the guilt from eating non nutritious foods, I felt my body swell up from the excess sodium and by the time I got back home ED had already made me decide to eat terrible the rest of the day. So Tuesday rolls around and I say screw this shit I am not letting him take over today too and I was fine. Then yesterday the same thing happened.
I know that my ED will never be completely gone and it's moments like the ones I have been having this week that assure me it will always be there. I never really seem to understand, though what exactly happens. It seems to me that it could be a few things, I found out that the gym I go to is closing at the end of the month and I would need to start getting Aubrey used to the new day care. To be honest, the anxiety I felt over it and the heart ache that went on in my body was so excessive and the for the second time this week that she was in there she was done amazing. I may be able to chalk it up the excessive emotions in my body but I also feel like it is a combination of that and the fact that I have started to feel again that I will never reach my goal. I had thoughts of being extreme with my diet again, I had thoughts of binging until a new week came along, I had thoughts of staying where I am at and risking those guilty feelings associated with the unhealthy foods in moderation.
Right now, today I am ok, but thesr houghts will continue to wander through my brain. I weighed in at 147.8 so I am now 3.4 pounds away from where I was before and 4.4 pounds away from having recordable progress. So right now I just sit here and think to myself that maybe blogging about ED will help me understand it more or that maybe someone reading it can relate to the feelings associated with the disorder. The guilt, the ups and downs, the feelings of failure, the feelings of wanting to just eat complete junk for days until your sick of it, the feeling of wanting to basically do a contest prep diet to punish your ways, the negotiating in your head about if you ate bad these days you mind as well continue until Sunday or Monday and re-start. It's all so pathetic, but yet this is the cycle I have gotten myself into. I know I am not alone, I know the struggle among other women and sometimes even men too. It's not easy, and I never expected it to be but I do expect something to come out of this. I have longed to compete since October 2011 when I competed for the first time. I know I can be great, I know I can win one.
Right now though I just have to be honest with myself and my readers, I have decided to take a break from tracking for the rest of the week. My in laws are coming out this weekend and my new work schedule is in effect this week so I have all of Saturday off and do not go in until 7pm and sunday I work 9-5 again. I will not give up on myself, I will hit the gym hard tomorrow, I will stay happy and positive and map out what I need to do to be successful!
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