My last blog was April 28th but because I am a mother and have a 9 month young baby, getting to blog once a week is hardly ever going to happen. A lot has happened since then, my baby girl keeps growing up, getting stronger and stronger everyday, is beginning to crawl, wants to stand a lot, is very vocal and has been putting her head on my shoulders a lot more which make me feel so damn good inside. She amazes me everyday, she has changed my life and my world and I only hope that one day I can get all of this fitness and nuttition together so that I can be the best role model for her.
From April 28- May 8th I did spectacular and eventually reached a new low of 144.4 my goal weight is anywhere inbetween 130-135. I am not really sure where I want to be because my body has changed so much since I gave birth especially in the middle of my body. May 9th I had a cheat/re-feed day and was almost 1000 calories over my limit. Got back on track Saturday and then Sunday was Mother's Day. Although Sunday I didn't eat terrible I was over my calories/macros. So Monday rolls around and I do great all morning, get my workout in, have a shake when I get home, take a nap with the baby and then head over to my moms. I ended up snacking on some pretzels, dip and peanuts and that is when I felt ED come back. I felt the guilt from eating non nutritious foods, I felt my body swell up from the excess sodium and by the time I got back home ED had already made me decide to eat terrible the rest of the day. So Tuesday rolls around and I say screw this shit I am not letting him take over today too and I was fine. Then yesterday the same thing happened.
I know that my ED will never be completely gone and it's moments like the ones I have been having this week that assure me it will always be there. I never really seem to understand, though what exactly happens. It seems to me that it could be a few things, I found out that the gym I go to is closing at the end of the month and I would need to start getting Aubrey used to the new day care. To be honest, the anxiety I felt over it and the heart ache that went on in my body was so excessive and the for the second time this week that she was in there she was done amazing. I may be able to chalk it up the excessive emotions in my body but I also feel like it is a combination of that and the fact that I have started to feel again that I will never reach my goal. I had thoughts of being extreme with my diet again, I had thoughts of binging until a new week came along, I had thoughts of staying where I am at and risking those guilty feelings associated with the unhealthy foods in moderation.
Right now, today I am ok, but thesr houghts will continue to wander through my brain. I weighed in at 147.8 so I am now 3.4 pounds away from where I was before and 4.4 pounds away from having recordable progress. So right now I just sit here and think to myself that maybe blogging about ED will help me understand it more or that maybe someone reading it can relate to the feelings associated with the disorder. The guilt, the ups and downs, the feelings of failure, the feelings of wanting to just eat complete junk for days until your sick of it, the feeling of wanting to basically do a contest prep diet to punish your ways, the negotiating in your head about if you ate bad these days you mind as well continue until Sunday or Monday and re-start. It's all so pathetic, but yet this is the cycle I have gotten myself into. I know I am not alone, I know the struggle among other women and sometimes even men too. It's not easy, and I never expected it to be but I do expect something to come out of this. I have longed to compete since October 2011 when I competed for the first time. I know I can be great, I know I can win one.
Right now though I just have to be honest with myself and my readers, I have decided to take a break from tracking for the rest of the week. My in laws are coming out this weekend and my new work schedule is in effect this week so I have all of Saturday off and do not go in until 7pm and sunday I work 9-5 again. I will not give up on myself, I will hit the gym hard tomorrow, I will stay happy and positive and map out what I need to do to be successful!
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Monday, April 28, 2014
Pure and Genuine
Hello! I am back, yet again for some more blogging fun. I have no idea how often I am going to be able to do this but I rekon I will make at least one time a week to do it. So if you feel up to it and want to ready some shnazzy blog about being fit and being a mom then follow along!
I decided to come back because well Aubrey is asleep and I am mad. Why you ask? Let me count the reasons. Well, (1) I most definitely can assure you that I am about to get my period any damn second. (2) I took Aubrey for a ride to the bank and wanted to go pick up an industrial size mop and bucket, you know those yellow ones you use in the restaurants and shit? They are bulky but perfect bc I am sick of buying these piece of shit swiffers and jazzy crap that get nasty and do nothing. Well she fell asleep and I am mad bc I wanted to sleep next to her and I tried before I left but she was as hyper as a bear so I took her out. (3) My fiancé was 50% sure he would get out at a decent hour and like most days shit ended up hitting the fan and now he has no idea when he will be home. (4) I had a great weekend with my family, we took a mini road trip to 'Cuse and it made me realize how insanely miserable working on the weekends makes me and I have been thinking about how I can fanangle my schedule to work anywhere from 26-28 hours a week but not work Saturday, work sunday morning and trying to figure out how to still work hours that will benefit me and justify my $50,000 student loan as a Master of Social Work. (5) I still have a dream of getting crowned as a WBFF Bikini pro one day and food just always gets in my way. Not only food but money as well.
The last reason is obviously why I am re-starting a new blog. Clearly I am not going to come on here once a week and complain about industrial sized mop buckets, but for real I want to make my dreams a reality. I absolutely love being a mom and I am beyond blessed to be able to spend the majority of my time home with Aubrey, getting to the gym every morning and filling my day kissing little fingers and toes, listening to her giggle and seeing her smile. It's incredible and she is my main motivation. I want to be a role model for her, I don't want to be a mom that thinks I have to be hot and sexy, I want to be a mom that values health and well being. I want her to look up to me and appreciate my discipline but I most definitely do not want to project any sort of eating disorder issues I may portray subconsciously or not onto her.
Another reason is because I do have a trainer in mind that I hired long ago but had no money to really hire him but I do not want money to get in my way. I have a lot of knowledge that I really need to put to the test and once I can be accountable to myself I think it will be that much easier to be accountable to him and give it 120%! So until I have all of that money I am going to try and be better every day and if I have a bad day, it's ok, just accept it and move on because it's not about how many bad days you had so long as the good days out weight them. I have to good friends, Ginelle and Ami that have helped me stay accountable and I have an amazing fiancé that is there for me no matter what so I know I can do this I just have to stay focused. Even on the days like today where my focus might have slipped away with the strong winds we are having, every storm passes.
So this is my beginning. I started out right before I had Aubrey at around 192. I was 158 before I got pregnant approx. Friday I was 146 and I can imagine after today I will be back up to around 152 because after the weekend I was 150. I just tried uploading some pictures but I can't sit here for another 20 minutes trying to figure out why the fuck it won't load. I am proud of how far I have come but I know I can push myself to the next level and I know it's all going to be done through food so my goals for the rest of the week are as follows:
(1) drink a gallon of water a day
(2) eat at least 2 servings of veggies- sounds so terrible but lately they have been seriouslu lacking in my diet
(3) eat at least 80% clean determined by Ginelle and Ami at the end of each day through myfitnesspal
(4) stay as close to 30/40/30 (fat/carbs/protein) as possible
I decided to come back because well Aubrey is asleep and I am mad. Why you ask? Let me count the reasons. Well, (1) I most definitely can assure you that I am about to get my period any damn second. (2) I took Aubrey for a ride to the bank and wanted to go pick up an industrial size mop and bucket, you know those yellow ones you use in the restaurants and shit? They are bulky but perfect bc I am sick of buying these piece of shit swiffers and jazzy crap that get nasty and do nothing. Well she fell asleep and I am mad bc I wanted to sleep next to her and I tried before I left but she was as hyper as a bear so I took her out. (3) My fiancé was 50% sure he would get out at a decent hour and like most days shit ended up hitting the fan and now he has no idea when he will be home. (4) I had a great weekend with my family, we took a mini road trip to 'Cuse and it made me realize how insanely miserable working on the weekends makes me and I have been thinking about how I can fanangle my schedule to work anywhere from 26-28 hours a week but not work Saturday, work sunday morning and trying to figure out how to still work hours that will benefit me and justify my $50,000 student loan as a Master of Social Work. (5) I still have a dream of getting crowned as a WBFF Bikini pro one day and food just always gets in my way. Not only food but money as well.
The last reason is obviously why I am re-starting a new blog. Clearly I am not going to come on here once a week and complain about industrial sized mop buckets, but for real I want to make my dreams a reality. I absolutely love being a mom and I am beyond blessed to be able to spend the majority of my time home with Aubrey, getting to the gym every morning and filling my day kissing little fingers and toes, listening to her giggle and seeing her smile. It's incredible and she is my main motivation. I want to be a role model for her, I don't want to be a mom that thinks I have to be hot and sexy, I want to be a mom that values health and well being. I want her to look up to me and appreciate my discipline but I most definitely do not want to project any sort of eating disorder issues I may portray subconsciously or not onto her.
Another reason is because I do have a trainer in mind that I hired long ago but had no money to really hire him but I do not want money to get in my way. I have a lot of knowledge that I really need to put to the test and once I can be accountable to myself I think it will be that much easier to be accountable to him and give it 120%! So until I have all of that money I am going to try and be better every day and if I have a bad day, it's ok, just accept it and move on because it's not about how many bad days you had so long as the good days out weight them. I have to good friends, Ginelle and Ami that have helped me stay accountable and I have an amazing fiancé that is there for me no matter what so I know I can do this I just have to stay focused. Even on the days like today where my focus might have slipped away with the strong winds we are having, every storm passes.
So this is my beginning. I started out right before I had Aubrey at around 192. I was 158 before I got pregnant approx. Friday I was 146 and I can imagine after today I will be back up to around 152 because after the weekend I was 150. I just tried uploading some pictures but I can't sit here for another 20 minutes trying to figure out why the fuck it won't load. I am proud of how far I have come but I know I can push myself to the next level and I know it's all going to be done through food so my goals for the rest of the week are as follows:
(1) drink a gallon of water a day
(2) eat at least 2 servings of veggies- sounds so terrible but lately they have been seriouslu lacking in my diet
(3) eat at least 80% clean determined by Ginelle and Ami at the end of each day through myfitnesspal
(4) stay as close to 30/40/30 (fat/carbs/protein) as possible
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